Thirty days hath September…so here we are, the last day of one of my favorite months. This month has seen many ups and many downs, but I hope that things are beginning to look up. I have not written much, I will try to get back into my more frequent journaling soon.
Since I wrote last…
I had a good meeting with my counselor. I told her that, in general, I was feeling down and in the dumps about things even though there were some very good things happening in my life. We talked about how I felt and why I might be feeling that way. After everything, I felt a lot better. I had a couple of really good days. Last Friday I took a 1/2 vacation day at work, dropped kiddo off at her friend’s house for the night, and spent the evening with my theatre friends. We went to see P in a production she was doing about an hour away. It was great and terrible to see her again. She looked well, attractive as always, her acting was as good as I’ve seen it. But seeing her again brought back some feelings that I spent most of September avoiding. I’ve gone on dates with, I don’t know, a handful of women over the last year and a half and frankly none of them stack up to P. They just don’t. And she is the one that I can’t connect with no matter how hard I try. She is the one that makes me nervous every time I see her for some goddamn inexplicable reason. I don’t know what to do about it. And the worst part is that I still have absolutely no idea how she feels about me. I mean, if she wanted nothing to do with me, why would she give me a hug when she came to see all of us? Sure, she hugged several of her friends, but she hugged me – twice. She thanked me on Facebook for coming to see the show. Sure, she thanked several of her friends who came to see the show. But she didn’t have to thank me. She didn’t have to hug me. Is she just that nice of a person that she did those things because she is fair and just and treats everyone the same regardless of how she feels about them? I suppose it’s possible. Or is it possible that there is some degree of interest in me, however small? This is the friend zone. This must be it.
Anyway, I had a good time. Since then it’s been busy, taking kiddo to rehearsals most nights and squeezing in homework and my job and things like that. We hung out with J and her kiddos at a park on Saturday, which was nice. On Sunday I was going to take kiddo to buy a book shelf, but the Ex texted me and wanted to spend time with her so the three of us ended up going to buy the book shelf and wouldn’t you know it, she was an absolute psychopath the entire time. She hardly talked. She seemed miserable. On the way home she drove fast and cut people off and acted like a complete imbecile. I wish we hadn’t gone with her. And then yesterday she texted me about how much she missed me, blah blah blah. Meaningless words, but hurtful nonetheless. She’s supposedly moving about two hours away within the next couple of weeks. We’ll see if that actually happens. No doubt, she will try to throw the world’s worst guilt trip upon me as she goes.
I am still frustrated with my job. I still feel like all I do is clean up other peoples’ messes. Meaningful moments are fleeting. Something has to change. I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow; we are supposed to discuss my goals for the upcoming year. I feel like I need to convey my frustration and feeling of stagnation with him, but in a constructive way. Not in a way that will cause me to lose my job!