I’ve got feelings just spilling out of me this morning. I haven’t felt driven to write like this in a while. I guess it has been an interesting week.
I had my date with C on Monday, and like I said things moved quickly. I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone, so I let things move quickly because it made me feel uncomfortable. Then on Tuesday she ended up coming over to my place in the evening and we watched a movie, ate some pizza, and things kept moving quickly. We didn’t have sex, to be clear, but she did spend the night. And you know what? The world didn’t end. Was it my intention for her to spend the night? No. But it happened. I lived in the moment. I haven’t woken up next to somebody else in over a year. Did I like it? Yes and no. I want to be close to somebody. But I still need to have my own personal space, I still need to be independent and unattached. I’m going to talk to her about it. I think that we moved fast enough, now we can throttle it back a little bit and focus on being friends.
So then last night I met up with my theatre friends for the first time in what feels like forever. We went to a local bar for trivia night. I had a hard cider and ordered a stromboli; P was there, and as much as I didn’t want to feel anything I did. I don’t know why. I am almost angry about it. Part of me wishes that I hadn’t felt anything, and the other part of me loves that I felt something and wishes I would do something about it. I mean, I have done something about it several times, every time I ask her out I’m doing something about it but I guess I’ve got this funny contradiction going on in my life where I want to move too fast and too slow at the same time. With C, things are moving at hyperspeed. With P, things are moving like a glacier. I can’t help but laugh about it.
Anyway, trivia night got off to a slow start but I ended up carrying the team to 4th place, I felt like a hero, all of my useless knowledge and intuition proved valuable. Over the course of the night I had a few awkward conversations with P about Doctor Who or work or whatever couple of sentences we could throw together. But then as we were leaving, we walked out the door and everyone else turned left and P and I turned right and we ended up walking back to the parking garage together. Small talk happened. Ugh. Then she said something, she said that she worried about life a lot, and whether she should move back to the big city to audition for shows, or just audition at some of the bigger theaters in this area. I asked her what was stopping her and she said it was just being scared. And of course, since my brain gets all jumbled around her, I couldn’t think of anything good to say other than I thought she could do it if she wanted to. But after we parted ways, I wished that I had opened up more. I wish I had told her that being scared shouldn’t stop her. That I was scared when we did the musical together and that the impact it had on my life was immeasurable. That it scared me to ask her out all these times and I did it anyway because I liked her. But no, none of that came out of my mouth when I had the chance and the pain of words left unsaid is often worse than the pain of words I wish I hadn’t said.
P makes me feel like an introvert. She really brings out the shyness, maybe that’s the difference. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t feel that way with C, or with M, or even with the Ex. I can talk to them and open up and they talk back, they engage me, they say thoughtful things (sometimes) and we can have conversations. But P doesn’t talk back. Is it because she’s afraid? Is it because she doesn’t like me? Is it something else? I don’t know. And I don’t know whether I should keep asking. But when I asked if she wanted to go to an art museum and lunch with me, she said yes! So that’s what I have to do. I have to tell my chatterbox brain to shut up and just operate using what she gives me, which was a yes. It was so painful for me to have to sit with her in a bar where we couldn’t hear each other talk from across the table, how am I supposed to get to know her in there? I would rather go for a walk with her, be somewhere quiet, be able to listen and think. Maybe she’s the type, like me, that doesn’t always need to talk. We could just walk and be present together. We’re coming up on a year of being friends and it sucks that we’re still at this point, but I’d rather be at this point than be nowhere at all with her.
And all of that makes me feel bad about moving so fast with C, or the prospect of being intimate with M. I like P more than either of them. She’s a mystery. She’s a puzzle. I am fascinated by her. I don’t have any desire to move too fast with her. I think that is a healthy kind of relationship, or at least I think that the possibility of a more healthy relationship is there with P. The others are not like her.