Good days, bad days.
I had another counseling appointment today; we’ve been meeting every two weeks, but because I’m supposed to be on vacation next week we decided to meet this week. I had some progress to report. It was a good visit. I feel like I’m close to hitting a wall though…at some point, I’m going to run out of big momentous things to celebrate. It’s going to become life as usual. I’m in this process of getting my feet under me, starting over, building a foundation for the rest of my life, and after a while it just becomes mundane. Breakthroughs become habitual, then they become lifestyles and it’s just the expectation that you’ll be doing those things that were out of the ordinary once. Then what? We talked about how the future is hazy. How I’m working on things from two different directions – I’m starting small and working toward bigger things, but at the same time I’m thinking about bigger things and trying to work do the small things to make them a reality.
The trouble is that it takes patience to do the small things right in preparation for bigger things. And I’m not a very patient person. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself in a lot of ways. And that gets me into situations that can only lead to disappointment.
Some days I wonder if all this business trying to date is too soon. Some days, like today, I just want to give up and never talk to certain people again.
Maybe I should be focusing my efforts on ending the relationship I’m in now before I become anything more than friends with other people.
Maybe I shouldn’t even be worried about making new friends just yet.
Maybe I need to focus on my job, and saving money, and paying rent, and fixing my car, and doing all of the “responsible” things.