Wow, I wrote a lot of posts this month. This is my twenty-eighth in May. Let’s roll back the tape a little bit and see how far we’ve come.
One month ago, I had just had my second counseling session. My counselor knew practically nothing about me at that point. I have shared some really deep, private things with her. That is huge progress. I have gotten to know myself a lot better as a result. I learned some important lessons about letting go of things.
I wrote some poetry.
I deactivated my Facebook page, then decided to turn it back on and just stay away from it. I have done fairly well with that. I have only posted a few things this month. I still check it too frequently, but I think some progress has been made.
I started drawing things.
I started running with kiddo.
I acknowledged that I am ready for a divorce.
And then I told the Ex that I was ready for a divorce.
I started addressing my fear issues. My counselor pointed me toward the book Feel the Fear…And Do It Anyway and it’s been really good for me to push myself outside my comfort zone.
So that gets us caught up to right here, right now. It has been an interesting weekend. Last night I thought I was going out with my usual Sunday night crew to see a movie, and it turned out to just be three of us – the married couple and me. Which was fine, we had a great time, but I had myself all psyched up to talk to girl #1 about our trip to the city. So that didn’t happen, because as it turns out she was on a train to New York City to see a show. Finding childcare for kiddo was tough. Her mom couldn’t watch her. Her grandma couldn’t watch her. I was just about to say screw it and stay home when her great grandma said she could have her overnight. I got home around 1:30 a.m.
Got up today and the Ex texted me to see if I wanted to get some brunch. I needed to talk to her about getting my part of the tax refund, so I went up. It was awkward. She is trying really hard to get me back. We ended up talking for a while, I reaffirmed that I felt done with the marriage and that I wasn’t trying to throw away the last fifteen years, I’m just ready to move on and not be married anymore. She was clearly upset. I think I might be breaking her heart, but I just don’t even trust her about that even…she turns on the waterworks because she knows it pushes my buttons. She knows all of my buttons that can be pushed, and she’s pushing them. It is really difficult for me, but I told her how I felt.
I picked up kiddo and we went out for lunch and then saw a movie. We got home and she went to a friend’s house to play, and then texted me to find out if she could spend the night. Well the last time she was over there it didn’t go well, so I told her no. I just spent the last 90 minutes watching kiddo move through the five stages of grief. It was actually pretty impressive. She hit every one – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Throw in some wailing and “whhhhyyyyyyyyyyy daaaaaaaaaaad” and “it’s not faaaaaaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrrr” and you get the picture. I think this is a win for me though – I stood my ground. I didn’t let her push me. I didn’t snap at her either, I just let her get her feelings out and express herself and each time I would reiterate my answer and rationale, and some day she will remember this and she’ll know why I did it and she’ll be glad that I was consistent. I hope she remembers it that way, anyway.
Tomorrow is the first week of ultimate frisbee. All of the running I’ve been doing should help me with that, I’ve got to be 15-20 pounds lighter than the last time I played, but I know it’s going to be hell. I will be very sore tomorrow.