5/25/2014

I stayed in bed for a while this morning. It was bright and sunny outside, and had no plans, so of course I spent some time having a pity party and second guessing every life decision I’ve made for the past ten years. By 11 a.m. I was up and showered, and just as I was starting to think about leaving the house one of kiddo’s friends invited her out to play. So she went out, and I sat in bed again. I was all down in the dumps and feeling broken, so I read some articles about what to do when you’re feeling that way and a couple of quotes stood out to me.

Sometimes, people need permission to break. And it is from that broken place that they are finally able to become whole again.

Definitely. I do wonder if I am waiting for someone to give me that permission. I have these fleeting moments where I think I might actually begin grieving the end of my marriage, but then they’re gone and I’m left feeling numb and broken again. Like there is something wrong with me, preventing me from moving on. I just can’t put my finger on it.

there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.

Everyone feels this way sometimes. Everyone is broken and recovering from something. Some people have it worse than I do. It is good to remember that I am not alone. It is also good to think about how it is possible to embrace being broken and allow good things to enter your life. To come out of it all better off than before. I think that I am doing that in many ways. Spending time with my friends helps a lot. I just need to let them in.

So after reading all of that, I decided to go for a run. I went out and ran two miles, when the farthest I ever ran before that was one mile. I thought I was going to collapse. I thought about giving up several times. But I knew how good it would feel to do something I had never done before, so I pushed through it and now I feel great, I feel like I accomplished something today, and that gives me the courage to keep pushing myself today. I wish that I was a morning person so that I could roll out of bed and run first thing every day. But that is not something that can happen overnight, I should set a goal of running one morning each week, and then two mornings, and so forth.

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