I had another appointment with my counselor today. Again, more progress. Refocusing. Centering. Whatever you want to call it.
I told her that I had discussed divorce with the Ex, albeit at a time, in a place, and in a way that I had not intended. I told her about how the Ex responded – how she has been pushing all of my buttons to reconsider, to give marriage counseling another try for a little bit. As much as that sounds rational and responsible, I have reached my decision. The only way I would see a marriage counselor again is to tie up that loose end, that we said we would see a marriage counselor again after we did our individual counseling. She hasn’t held up her end of that bargain so I don’t feel like seeing a counselor together is even necessary, but I’m thinking about it. My counselor told me that if divorce is what I want – what I truly want – then I have to keep that as my goal and be firm, not allowing myself to be delayed or persuaded.
I decided that I was ready to start the divorce process and that I would talk to my attorney friend, just see if there is anything she can share with me in terms of guidance or pointers, or maybe she can point me in the direction of someone who can help. I sent her a message on Facebook today. The worst thing that could happen is if she says she won’t help me, in which case I’ll just have to find someone who can.
As I write this, she just got back to me. She says she can talk me through some stuff but if there’s a chance that there will be custody stuff or property/debt distribution I’ll need an attorney, and she has never processed a divorce in my state. So that’s good. More than anything, I just want a friend to talk to. It helps that she has legal background. That was a nice coincidence. That’s step one in getting help and, hopefully, creating a deeper relationship with a friend.
I think the worst thing that could happen is if kiddo gets dragged into a messy divorce. I just don’t want that to happen. I want it to be done in a way that preserves our friendship so that we can continue to be a team, even if that means we aren’t married. We’re both still kiddo’s parents. We both still need to have an active role in her life. We both need to keep communicating, probably more than ever now, so that kiddo doesn’t get pulled back and forth or put through unnecessary stress. What she’s going through is stressful enough, we don’t need to make it worse. I think the Ex will understand that. She’s seen her own mother divorce five times and her father three times, so she knows how bad it can be when it’s messy. And I don’t think she’ll have any interest in making it messy with me.
If this process is like climbing a mountain, I’m only a handful of steps up the slope and I’m already getting tired. We all have a long way to go. I would really like a support system in place to help me out, and it’s partially come together which is nice.