5/20/2014

It was too much.

I told you about how I went to the theatre and saw girl #1 on Friday. On Sunday we celebrated kiddo’s 10th birthday, and I met up with one of my Walking Dead friends at the birthday party. Well, that turned into me taking her daughter along with kiddo to ice skating later, and then we all met back up at their house for dinner and Game of Thrones. And of course, girl #1 and our other friends were invited to stop by as well.

Well didn’t it just hurt that girl #1 and other friends didn’t stop by. It turned out to be just me. So I sat through dinner…quietly. And sat through GoT…quietly. And left…quietly.

And it was just too much. I remembered again why I distanced myself from those folks, and girl #1 in particular. I like her so much. And I just don’t trust myself. I haven’t felt like this for so long, I can’t tell if it’s love or if it’s just infatuation. And I don’t want to put myself, or her, or kiddo, or anybody through the process of connecting with someone at that level just to find out later that it was just some temporary thing. Some fleeting emotions. I just don’t know.

On one hand, I want to find girl #1 and just blurt everything out, tell her that I want to be more than just friends, open up and show off the depth of my personality to her and risk being rejected. But on the other hand I want to distance myself again, put the walls up once and for all, refuse to allow myself to be hurt again or hurt anyone else for that matter, ensure that it’ll always be “just friends” and nothing more.

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Yeah, that seems about right.

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