4/7/2014

I had a very good weekend.

It started on Friday afternoon. Kiddo went to her grandma’s for the night, so I decided to do something out of the ordinary and I checked out a gym that a friend referred me to. It’s a free gym run by a local church, it runs on donations, so you just pay what you want to work out. I was there for over an hour, I had a great workout. My friend stopped by too so it was nice to see a familiar face. I’ll definitely be going back, I felt absolutely fantastic after sweating it out on the bike and doing some weights. I had my usual Subway veggie sub for dinner and watched a couple movies back at the house.

I got up on Saturday and finished my movies. I also went for a walk/jog on the trail, which was fantastic. It was a little cool but I worked up a sweat and finished a full 5k in 50 minutes. I’m going to be kiddo’s running buddy for a race coming up this month so I need to keep up on my running so we can finish in under 40. Then I drove to town to pick kiddo up, but her grandma asked if she could have her for another night. I said okay. I could have gone home and just loafed around, but I decided to get on Facebook and find out if I could crash anyone else’s plans. I was surprised to get a lot of replies! I ended up having a late lunch with a friend who lost his wife several years ago and we were able to talk about a lot of common feelings and situations we’ve wound up in. That was nice. Then I turned down an offer to see the new Captain America movie and went to the theatre instead since there was a slight chance that I might see girl #1 there for a show. She had commented on my Facebook post that the show was that evening, but she didn’t say for sure that she would be there and I felt creepy asking if she would be. I got to the theatre and bought a ticket…I sat down and looked around for familiar faces…none. I was sad. I faked getting a phone call so I could go back to my car and think about it. I almost left, but then I saw another friend pull into the parking lot and go inside. I thought, so what if girl #1 isn’t there, I bought a ticket already and can hang out with that guy, so I went inside and people were walking into the house and I walked in and what do you know, there was girl #1 and my other friend. So I sat with them through the show. I did a real jackass thing thought, which I felt bad for immediately – girl #1 said she wasn’t sure if I would pick Captain America or the show at the theatre, and I came up with this BS explanation that kiddo would be mad at me for seeing Cap without her, because I didn’t want to say, “Well I thought you might be here so I took a shot”, because I don’t want to be weird or creepy or all up in her business. And that was a bit of an insult I guess, I don’t know how to do it but I need to get the message across to her that I do like her, I just need to say the words I guess, I’m so damn nervous and anxious about it all and I just keep saying the wrong things over and over.

Anyway, after the show was over I ended up meeting the Ex to see Cap anyway. Ugh. She really wanted to see it with me though. We are still friends. She is very lonely. I felt it was the right thing to do.

So then Sunday came around. I didn’t want to push myself too far so I didn’t work out hard, just did some push ups and sit ups. I had lunch at Chipotle which was very filling and I saw Noah at the movies, which was a decent movie but not great. Then I picked up kiddo, met the Ex for dinner, and went to my friend’s house to see Game of Thrones. You see, now that The Walking Dead’s season is over I wasn’t sure if we would all keep getting together, and I have only read the first book in the Song of Fire and Ice series, but I got the invite on Saturday night to come over on Sunday. So now we’re watching GOT. Girl #1 was there, it was nice. I kept it cool. I hope this means we will keep having our Sunday night get-together…it’s good for me for several reasons. First, it is good to keep building up these friendships. Second, I get to see girl #1.

I very much want to make sure that the ball is in her court, so to speak. But I am feeling more and more pressure to tell her how I feel about her, but I don’t want to do it via phone or text or Facebook, I want to say it to her face, but we’re hardly ever alone together or away from other friends, and the rejection face-to-face – if rejection is the answer – would hurt a lot. I guess this is one of those risk-reward things. Right now I’ve been afraid to take the risk. I mean, I’m not even divorced yet, I feel like it might just be too soon to say anything and that it’s best to just keep things where they are now as friends, but at the same time I think I might be emotionally ready to be more than just friends with the right person, and my feelings haven’t gone away since the fall even though I’ve tried to get over them. To get over her. So I’m in this horrible limbo, I’m in the friend-zone, but I’m doing it to myself right now.

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