1/31/2014 Part 2

Just got off the phone with the Ex. She just realized that her rent is due, and she doesn’t get paid today, and she thought she had another week, so she needs money. $150. She’s asking for help. She’s tired of working long hours and not being able to pay her rent on time. She’s tired of having to ask for help. Then she broke into tears.

I feel awful. I feel horrible that she’s in that position. I would never want to be in that position. But at the same time, I’m in a position to give her $150. Not a loan, just give it to her. I’ve saved my money, I got paid today, my rent is covered and I’ve got savings put aside. I worked hard and got a job that, on the average day, doesn’t cause me that much stress. I feel lucky. And bad. And, of course, I hate seeing people upset and I want to bend over backwards and if for some reason she had to move out or something I would feel obligated to let her move in with me, and I feel these things because I care about her still, I still want to be her friend, I do love her but it’s not a romantic love, it’s a familial sort of love.

It makes me sad because this is evidence that she hasn’t changed. That if we got back together things would be just like they were before – always broke, always living paycheck to paycheck, still stuck in a seemingly inescapable situation, between a rock and a hard place. She makes her own life so difficult, yet she does it so unwittingly, it’s as if she is constantly surprised at how things turn out. And that is very hard to watch. It’s very hard to be someone’s friend when they behave and think that way. I wasn’t raised that way, and the entire time that we lived together I behaved that way but I knew it wasn’t right. And now that I’m on my own again, I’m changing that. I’m acting according to my own values. I’m doing the right things – or, at the very least, I’m trying to and succeeding more often than not.

But it’s hard to see her like that. To hear her crying. It brings back a lot of painful emotions for me.

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