What a batshit crazy couple of days.
After the Ex’s revelation that she was pregnant, I did have a lot of mixed feelings. I was angry at myself for being so stupid as to sleep with her while we were separated. And not use protection. But then, how was I to know that she could even get pregnant? I mean, we’ve been having unprotected sex for almost 15 years and ONE TIME I got her pregnant. Her body just wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant, with the PCOS and everything. So maybe angry wasn’t the right word, it was really just HOLY SHIT how did that happen? And of course, when things happen unexpectedly, it can often seem like “destiny”. So as frustrated as I was, and as upset as I was that this new life I’ve been working so hard to create seemed doomed, I also struggled with the feeling that maybe this was supposed to happen, like it was supposed to bring us back together or something. But that just didn’t feel right either. Nothing felt right. I’m not sure how I got any sleep that night.
The next day, I told the Ex I had a meeting with a counselor. On a side note, I do still need to set up appointments with a counselor because I’ve got to be able to talk to somebody professional about all of this shit. Anyway, after my “meeting” I talked to her and shared my feelings with her, and it made her upset because I think she was trying to use this as a foot in the door to get back together with me. But in the end, she said stuff like she was going to end the pregnancy and as bad as that makes me feel, I silently agreed with the decision.
Then yesterday morning she told me that the doctor called and that they said that maybe she wasn’t pregnant to begin with, and maybe all of this was just hormonal and was throwing the tests off, so it probably wasn’t even an issue. I felt relieved. I didn’t want to tell her that because I still felt like – and still feel like – she wanted this to happen, like she wanted to be pregnant because it would be another connection to me, a long term one, so I couldn’t go anywhere. I don’t think she’s being vindictive about things or mean, I just think she really wants to get back with me and I’m still enjoying this space and time to think things through. And I’m not sure I want to get back together with her. Period. It’s just not appealing to me right now. Hence why I need to really talk to a counselor and figure out my life. But that’s a story for a different day.
So now we’re back to where we once were. No baby – I think. I can keep my options open, and be SMART this time. No more sexy sex. With anybody. Period.