1/4/2014

Today was an interesting day, to say the least.

Girl #2 and I had our second date today. We have been texting since we met up on New Year’s Eve and decided to get together again.

I picked her up at 11 a.m. and we drove to the Barnes & Noble bookstore because she had to get a new charger for her Nook tablet. That took until 12:45 p.m. because the guy who could help her was teaching a class when we got there, so we just browsed and talked until he finished up.

Then we drove to the mall and ate lunch at T.G.I. Friday’s. It was good! We talked some more while we ate and decided to walk around the mall afterward. We walked it once and decided to go somewhere else.

We wound up going to a park near the school she works at. It was all covered in snow still, so we walked through the snow to a stream that runs through the park. It was nice…quiet…we talked some more. We just walk and talk wherever we go, which is nice. There was some flirting, not just verbal but bumping into each other, playing around, that sort of thing. We eventually found a park bench and sat down for a little bit.

That’s where she told me some interesting things, and I learned a lot about myself. She said that I was hard to read, in terms of figuring out what I was thinking or feeling. She said she wasn’t sure I liked her because I hadn’t given her any signals that I liked her. I asked her what kind of signals she was looking for, and she said what I figured – making physical contact, that sort of thing. I felt bad because I do like her – I’m not ready to say we should have a relationship or anything, but I enjoy her company as a friend. So I figured what the hell, I put my arm around her. She liked it. It felt good to me. She said it was confusing to her that I did not show my emotions, that it made me hard to figure out. I wonder why I am like that? I explained that I had only ever dated one person – the Ex – and for that reason I really had no idea what I was doing. She accepted that and was okay with me anyway, which was nice. I wonder how confused I made girl #1, after all we went on a date and I guess I didn’t show any signals to her that I liked her either, so maybe that’s why she lost interest? Who knows. I think I’m close to being over her anyway, the crush isn’t so strong. I think friends would be just fine between me and her.

Anyway, we wrapped up our walk. Tried to figure out someplace warm to go. We drove all over the place aimlessly. We went to a different park and it was really cold. We flirted a lot again. I put my arm around her again. She almost sat on me. Then we hopped in the car and drove to a pub. We had Redd’s Apple Ale and talked about how things were going so far, and what we were looking for. She wants a serious relationship, soon. She’s tired of trying. And she likes me a lot. She is conflicted because she wants to put her energy into getting to know me, and she wants a return on her investment, so to speak. I am looking for friends, and I made it clear that I wanted a relationship to grow out of friendship first. So we’re at different points on the map, so to speak, but I told her a third date would definitely happen and I want it to so it will. I just am not ready to start a full-fledged relationship with her, which is hard because I want to do some relationship-y things with her. I’d like to kiss her. I need the practice, God knows. I don’t want to hold hands, though. I’m not sure why. But touching her feels good, it’s kind of therapeutic for me to be in her personal space and know that I’m invited in there and that she likes it. It’s good practice for whatever comes next.

By saying that, am I really saying that I don’t want to have a relationship with her? I don’t want to break her heart, I feel terrible about everything she has been through and she finally finds a good guy (me) and I feel like I’m too good for her? That’s pretty messed up. I wonder if I really am stringing her along, knowing it won’t work out, but just biding my time until the next person comes into my life. It’s tough. She’s a really good girl, she would make a great friend and down the road she’d make a great spouse. Almost in a Mohana way, she’s a 10-cow woman but nobody else sees it. The problem is, my bar is set really high for some reason.

I want to keep seeing her, I just don’t want the pressure to be in a relationship. That’s where this might get scary and rough down the road.

I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I like it and I’m having fun and meeting new people and trying new things and seeing new places. That’s good, right?

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