It’s almost 7:30, and no call yet. I don’t think that bodes well. And, of course, I am taking it harder than I want to. I don’t want it to be a big deal…and frankly, it wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that girl #1 is directing. And I feel like if we were friends, she’d cast me. Which is ridiculous, and I need to keep telling myself that it’s ridiculous. I don’t want my feelings to get hurt. All of this kind of underscores the fragile nature of my emotional stability right now…I go up, I go down, rollercoastering around through life. I hate that. I don’t want to be like that. But I don’t want to be alone, and being around girl #1 at the theater is about as close as I can get to not being alone. So for that to stop happening…and knowing that she is the one who made the decision…again, more difficult that I would like it to be.
I will be okay. There are other things that matter in life, and I just need to find them. I don’t really want to date other people though. If I can’t date girl #1, or at the very least be around her sometimes, I don’t really feel like being around anybody else. Female, anyway. I might try to get together with the guys from work over the break. That would be very helpful. I just need friends. And, unfortunately, I want to be girl #1’s friend and then some.
All things considered, not getting a part should give me a well deserved break. Kiddo being in the last show and this show, I’m tired. Driving up to town three, four, five times a week is expensive. But at the same time, I don’t want to just sit around the house watching TV and eating junk food. The theater was a positive experience for both kiddo and I, so if we don’t get into the next show we’ll have to find something else to do. I’m not sure what there is though…even though it cost a lot in fuel to participate, it had to be less than paying some ungodly fee for an hour or two an evening of ballet or dance or singing or piano or whatever.
I read up on some interesting scientific theories today…about black holes, and “information”, and event horizons and stuff like that. Seems to me that if these things are real, and if everything in the universe is made up of particles that carry information along with them, and if all of that stuff gets pulled, or falls, into a black hole, and black holes are full of information and the like. Then maybe the white hole on the other side that spews forth the building blocks of a universe is like the Big Bang that people talk about. Like, when it opened up, it was an explosion of information. And all of that information came flying out, and as it zipped along in its tachyonic form at the speed of light (or more) it became attached to particles, and those particles form a whole nother universe. Something like that. Pretty cool. And, if that information cannot be destroyed, then it’s like the same materials just keep getting recycled over and over, just combined in different ways during each expansion into a new universe, and then they fall apart again as they get spread out in the next black hole. That’s a pretty crazy idea, I know I don’t have it right or anything, but it’s almost a spiritual thing to think about. Like, what happens after we die? Our particles and information just get recycled into something else? That’s what people who believe in karma might expect in some way. But people who believe that we are supposed to resurrect and have this physical form forever…what if we fell into a black hole? What would happen to that information then? It wouldn’t be able to stay together, would it? Is there any point to any of this? I don’t know, but these scientific questions lead to spiritual ones, and they scare the fuck out of me because I start questioning what I’m doing here, and what happens when I die, and what happens after I die. I don’t want to be a blip, some momentarily sentient pile of particles and information that will eventually be smeared out across the event horizon of a black hole before being spewed into a new universe. I want to exist longer than that. Happily. Is that possible? Or is it just a pipe dream, a myth we have been teaching our children for thousands of years to make this world bearable, by promising them some greater life beyond this one?