12/5/2013

This has lasted longer than my usual “funks”, so I’m a bit nervous about tonight. I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions…I’m really not sure who I am upset at…it might be a few people…for a few different reasons.

I’m upset with kiddo for getting herself into this situation in the first place. I wasn’t there, I don’t know exactly what happened, but when I walked past her and she told me that kids were playing a prank on her, the kids all went “ooh (kiddo’s) dad” and I knew something was up. And I didn’t see anyone crying. Now, it doesn’t sound like the kids even played a “prank” on kiddo so she shouldn’t have gotten so upset about things, but I don’t think it all went down the way other people are saying it did. But again, I don’t know. It’s frustrating and embarrassing. Who wants to be with a guy whose kid gets caught up in this kind of drama all the time?

I’m upset with girl #1 because I feel like I’ve invested a lot of energy into telling her and showing her that I’m interested. And I feel like a fool for thinking that there was interest back. Look, I’m not one to turn down a friendship, and maybe I’m angry with myself more than anyone else, but friendship just doesn’t feel good enough. And that’s my fault. I don’t know how to NOT feel that way. And I guess, maybe, some stupid part of my brain thought that as this show went on we would get closer. We haven’t. It’s just not there and I am frustrated because I tried. I really did. It got as far as that first date and that’s where it stopped, and I don’t know if it was something I did or said or if she really is just that busy at this time of year, and my general loneliness doesn’t help, nor does my lack of confidence and self esteem. So there’s that angle too.

And, of course, I’m upset with the director. I understand that she’s got a vision, and she is busy and doesn’t have time to talk to kids all the time, but for Pete’s sake this should be a learning experience, and learning comes from failure. If kiddo failed to stay in character, the director needs to not take it personally and she needs to sit down with kiddo and talk through it with her. The director’s failure to properly address kiddo shows a lack of leadership, and frankly it’s one that I’ve seen before and am not interested in dealing with much longer. She’s all over the place all the time, it’s hard to deal with her, and in my current mindset I wonder if I ever want to do another show with the director because she jumps straight to kicking kiddo out of the show after what I am perceiving as one bad rehearsal. I’m not trying to excuse kiddo’s behavior, not at all. But I do think it’s a bit ridiculous to expect kids to keep it together and only get one warning.

I’ve been thinking about kiddo a lot this week, after all of this went down. She is frighteningly like Grandma B., which is weird because she really didn’t know Grandma B., and I guess that in many ways she’s like my mom, because my mom is like Grandma B., and that scares the hell out of me because I wonder if I’m like my mom and Grandma B.. I don’t feel like I am. I always figured I was more like Grandpa B., who had to balance out Grandma’s extremes. People who are that stubborn and strong-willed need to surround themselves with peacemakers so that they can coexist with the rest of the world, but the peacemakers get sick of playing the role of mediator after a while. That’s where I am right now. I’m tired of mediating for kiddo. The kid needs to suffer the consequences every now and then if she’s going to learn what is and is not appropriate. Maybe it makes me feel good to tell kiddo that I support the director’s decision…if the director wants to kick her out of the play, then so be it. I’m not going to try to intercede and save kiddo from her own follies. But at the same time, the director is stubborn too so I feel like if she’s going to be too harsh on kiddo, I should step in.

BLARGH! I have no fucks left to give. Still.

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