I don’t know if this is appropriate. I hope nobody else ever reads this.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK. F. U. C. K. FUCK! I am so angry right now. I hope that this helps, writing down my feelings, because I don’t know how I’ll react to anything else that happens today if this doesn’t make me feel at least a little bit better.

I just got a call from the director at the theater. Kiddo had a blow up last night that has her in a precarious position at the theatre. I’m so disappointed. Now, granted, this is just one side of the story but knowing kiddo it’s going to be closer to the truth than her side and I hate to say that but it’s true.

I had limited knowledge of what happened. Last night, during rehearsal, I was walking from one side of the theater to the other and kiddo caught me. She was upset. She said some girls played a trick on her. I didn’t have time to address it then and there – we were in the middle of a rehearsal, for God’s sake – so I told her that I was sure they were just joking around and that she shouldn’t take it personally. Well apparently kiddo told at least one of the girls that they were a loser, which hurt the child’s feelings and caused at least one of them to cry. Then some older people told the director what happened, and she asked kiddo what happened, and kiddo denied it.

Son of a bitch.

So the director calls me today, lets me know what happened backstage, and also lets me know that kiddo proceeded to just screw around during the courtroom scene by playing with some string and fixing her shoe instead of being in character.

God damnit!

I have worked so hard for this. I haven’t stopped stressing out about it one time over the last however many fucking months I’ve been doing this. I do theatre FOR kiddo, not for me, because I thought it was good for her and that being on stage would help her to grow up a little bit. I guess not. I am so disappointed in her behavior and tonight I have to share that with her in a way that gets across the point that she could be kicked out of the show if she keeps it up. Here we are, just a couple days away from opening night, and kiddo has to go and shoot off her mouth and pull out her shitty attitude. The director is going to give her one more chance…I am going to give her one more chance. And then she’s out. I am going to put the fear of God in that child tonight.

I take most of what the director says with a grain of salt, but I know kiddo was bad during A Christmas Carol so it doesn’t surprise me a whole lot to know that the director isn’t really keen on kiddo’s personality, for whatever reason they just don’t get along well. Kiddo is such a strong personality, I guess it impacts the director’s vision or something, that’s fine. I get that. They don’t have to be friends. But this is where kiddo doesn’t get a choice in the matter; it’s a privilege to be cast in a show, and you had better do your goddamn best to conform to the director’s vision whether you agree with it or not.

And frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing because I try really, really fucking hard to look like I am a good dad and am doing a good job of raising a kid. And right now I don’t feel like I am. I feel like crying right now. From embarrassment, and disappointment, and frustration because I have literally NO FUCKING CLUE what I’m doing. I really don’t. The last couple months have taken me to a really weird place, I’m out of my comfort zone. I need to take a break from the theater and apparently so does kiddo, regardless of what the next show is going to look like.

For fuck’s sake. Why did this have to happen. Why now. I just don’t understand what else I can be doing here other than scaring the bejesus out of kiddo and trying to scrape through the last few weeks of this show to get it over with. Kiddo doesn’t realize how much her behavior affects other people…she has to find that out. But in the right way. Not from me yelling and screaming, but from consequences. She has to feel this one. Maybe I’ll tell her that the director is going to kick her out on Thursday and stick with it until we get to rehearsal, something like that. It has to be momentous and paradigm-shifting.

I don’t feel much better. Shit. FUCK.


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