Some more feelings, as we prepare to go from 12/4 to 12/5.
I have decided, just this evening, that I simply do not give any more fucks. I have no fucks left to give. I’m speaking mainly about the theater, but maybe that same mentality is going to spread out into other areas of my life. And, in a big way, that’s how I have been feeling about work anyway. I don’t give a fuck what happens at the theater from now on. I am, at least for now, done with it all. The show will go on. Nothing will change. No amount of effort on my part is going to get me a second date with girl #1, or anything more than the awkward conversations-in-passing that we have now. And frankly, I’m fine with that. I need to worry about me. That’s how all of this started, isn’t it? I needed to worry about me, I needed to make sure that kiddo and I were in a good place and that we had our needs met and that we could have some degree of comfort, so that’s where we are now. I have no desire at the current moment to put more effort into making something happen. I appreciate all the effort that other people put into it, but it just seems clear to me that the mutual interest just isn’t there and I’m done trying to work through nonverbal communication to get something more out of things. So I’m just going to go be Fred, and I’ll pour some of my frustration into the role no doubt, which will be highly therapeutic for me. And kiddo will have to be on top of things, or else she’s going to get booted out of the show anyway if she can’t control herself there. Whatever. I’m done. No more fucks to give. I turned off Facebook Messenger for a while today because I’m tired of wasting my time waiting for messages that never come. I am the one who is constantly trying to start conversations, find things in common, go above and beyond to show interest. Not anymore. Fuck it. If she is interested, she needs to show me. And I’m not going to run back to the Ex either because that isn’t a solution. If being alone is where I have to be right now then so be it. I will be alone. I won’t be happy about it, but at least maybe if I stop worrying about things I’ll be able to focus more on myself and what makes me happy and less on trying to impress other people or try to get them to interact with me.
Fuck it all. I’m not really looking forward to tomorrow, but I’m okay with the direction I’m headed in. I’m done.