My emotions are moving quickly from one to the next, so I feel like I’ll be writing a lot today. I have an opportunity to get thoughts on paper (digital paper, whatever) so I’m going to take it.
The news about kiddo has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I mean, I guess I never really thought deeply about what would happen if kiddo didn’t do well at the theater because I honestly thought that she was getting better about things. What did I miss? What else has she been doing? It’s been difficult because I see less of her at rehearsals than I did during the last show, being a main character. I never know where she is, or who she is with. I didn’t see anything too bad so I guess I assumed that things were okay. Now I’m back to not trusting her again, and that hurts to admit. If someone would come to me and tell me it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, I would feel a bit better.
During the last show she was usually with her best friend. She had a small roll and the current director wasn’t directing, so maybe that made a difference. But I know she distracted her friend. So now I’m pissed off that she did that all over again. And in this one…she’s got a couple little friends. And at school, she’s always in the middle of some drama. She and her friends are constantly cycling back and forth between being friends and enemies, and not talking to each other, etc. Shit. What else have I missed?
I am suddenly exhausted. I feel like a failure. I feel embarrassed. I am miserable.