Things are moving along, as always.
I missed my opportunity a week ago to kiss girl #1 at rehearsal, that much you know. Then a few days later, we talked about it briefly and when I went for the kiss she turned her head and I wound up kissing her cheek. She was very quick to apologize and say she didn’t know I was going for it. So that made us even, in my book. Anyway, last night we rehearsed the final scene of the play and it happened. We agreed early on in the rehearsal that it was going to happen, so when I lifted her up off the floor, and she said “Charlie”, and I said, “Fred”, and then – I don’t remember exactly how it all went down – we kissed. I think I reached my left hand up to her face, and I’m not sure where my right hand went, probably on her side or her arm or shoulder, and it lasted a second or two – probably two – and then we embraced. And then it was over. It was good. As good as first kisses go, of course, because there’s always a certain degree of awkwardness and that sort of thing, but it felt good. At least I didn’t miss. Tonight we will probably rehearse that scene again so I am trying to figure out what could have made it better…I think it needs to be less scripted and more real, I just need to let it happen, and in the show it will have to go on for a bit longer. Maybe I should turn her somehow, take the lead on the kiss? It’s not like the “insult” kiss in the first act where I grab her and kiss her and she doesn’t know what to do, this kiss is one of those mutual decision, all in, we’re on the same page kind of kisses. I’m excited…anxious…I have to remind myself to just live in the moment and let it unfold as nature intends it to.
It means more to me than some stage kiss, or some kiss with someone who I don’t like or have no interest in. It’s girl #1. I feel a certain degree of pressure to make her go “wow”, to hang on for a second or two longer than she feels is appropriate, but she’s willing to hang on because she wants to, not because Doris wants to. I need to be more assertive but not overpowering, that will be the trick for tonight.
She said something yesterday that I may be completely blowing out of proportion. She said it helps to have the kiss be between people who like each other and not between people who can’t stand each other. Does that mean I fall into the former category? Of people that she likes? If she likes me, how much? It was her friend who told me that she liked me…I don’t know why she would, or how she could…I want to hear it from her. But to get that sort of admission, I think I have to tell her first. And what if I do, and it’s not what I thought it was? Then again, what if it is? Now seems like the wrong time to figure that out; if I’m wrong, and it’s a friendly sort of “like”, then I risk making the whole show awkward. If I’m right, it shouldn’t hurt things to wait until the show is over (or almost over) to drop that information on her. Like she doesn’t know already.
All of that led up to this morning when the Ex and I had our “heavy” conversation. I held back on saying too much about how I feel about girl #1. I have to keep those thoughts out of my head anyway on the chance that there isn’t really anything there. I wanted to say something, but didn’t. Instead I just clarified that the kiss was professional, done for the show, a Fred and Doris thing instead of a me and her thing. I’m sure she knows I’m full of shit, but she can’t tell me that if I don’t admit to it. I wonder which kiss is going to push me over the edge. Between rehearsals and shows, we’re going to be kissing a lot. We’re going to get it right. I’m somewhat determined to make it blend into real life, although I’m not sure how to do that. I did tell the Ex, however, that I no longer have romantic feelings for her. She cried. I can understand that. But the problem is not one that I can fix! Nor do I want to. I shared that with her as well. I am not interested in getting back together, and although I am stringing her out a bit by telling her that “I don’t know” what I want, I do know what I want. And it makes me feel guilty and I feel like it’s a bit inappropriate, but I want to have a relationship with girl #1. Not “that” kind of relationship; no, I want to tell her how I feel about her, and I want her to tell me that she feels the same way. Or at least that she’s not interested, even that would be an improvement over this shades-of-gray, wishy-washy, roller coaster kind of thing that we have going on right now.
We’re so much like Fred and Doris that it’s scary. Neither of us is ready to admit to the other that we have feelings for them. We’re both starting out on something new…we’re both cautious like Doris, but I’m the one with the kid and kiddo has made a connection with her like Susie makes with Fred. And I guess in some ways I’m afraid that kiddo will scare her away. In some ways, I’ve got Doris’ career – I’m set for a job, a good one, that pays the bills and a few other things. I’ve got Fred’s personality to a “t”. “We’re already in love, you and I. And it’s making you into a nervous wreck, because we have absolutely nothing in common.” Ain’t it the truth. But Fred and Doris come together, through a realization that some things are just supposed to be…that miracles and fairy tales can come true, that it’s fair to have hope, that it’s good to have hope that things can get better and the past can be left behind and that new people can do good things in your life if you let them. I need to remember that I’m not the first guy who married a heel (that’s a harsh word, but it’s from the show) and maybe she needs to realize that I am good enough for her and my daughter at the same time? It’s complicated.
We will see how tonight goes.