11/11/2013

Wrapping up what was one of the craziest, most roller coaster-like months of my life. It was October 6th when the friend and I started having our “girl #1” conversations. Things have moved very far in a relatively short amount of time. There is still a lot up in the air, but I think I am getting to the point where I have things under control. I felt a lot of stress about having to keep myself just far enough away from her to not smother her, while at the same time making sure that she knew she was being pursued. That catch-22 has me suffering from a headache since yesterday, which is absolutely no fun. I have resolved, for the time being, to be cool. No more awkward conversations. No more constant Facebook checking. None of that. I had a good time in her presence yesterday; at rehearsal and again at the friends’ house for The Walking Dead. I laughed a lot. I had some champagne. There are so many subtle hints; the friend’s champagne glasses all had meanings. The one she gave me represented love. I asked girl #1 out on a second date, but she turned me down because she didn’t want to be out too late on a Friday night before she teaches. I can accept that, but with our schedule at the theatre I’m really not sure when our next opportunity will be. And I’m also afraid, as always, that she’s not being genuine with me and that she would prefer to be left alone. So I flip-flop a lot, which causes a lot of emotional discomfort, but I hope to get through it.

Oh, and the real kicker. I had my chance to kiss the girl, and I let it slip by. We rehearsed our first kissing scene and I pulled her up out of the chair and dipped her ever so slightly and….made a kissing sound next to her face.

AAAAAAUUUUGH!

I was so embarrassed. I should have just done it! What is wrong with me?

And then I tried to get her alone so I could tell her why I didn’t (I’m full of excuses) and it turned into an awkward conversation about how I didn’t want to break her nose by head butting her, and I didn’t know which direction we were going, blah blah blah. Suck it up man! One step forward, two steps back all the time. This is probably the real reason why I’m so tense and have a headache and all that business. I really need to grow a pair, show some courage, have a heart, all that stuff. I’m so afraid of rejection. How can I get over that?

When do I ask her out again? Answer: the next time I see a time when both of us are not busy. Or I could just ask her when she might be around…duuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr. I need to get so much better at all of this or I’m going to completely blow my shot with girl #1, if I haven’t done so already.

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