Last night I went on a date with girl #1.

The pessimist in me feels like I sucked, but she said she had fun and I had a good time so maybe – just maybe – we can do something like that again. We met at a very classy place, a really upscale restaurant and bar downtown. Through some stroke of luck, they had a table for two so we didn’t have to sit at the bar. We met at about 7:15 and didn’t leave until shortly before 9…that’s a good sign, right? I mean, she would have come up with an excuse to leave if she wasn’t enjoying our conversation, right? I feel kinda bad that I didn’t eat more, because apparently she may have been hungrier than just the bowl of soup and martini she had. I can do better at that. I feel super self-conscious about eating in front of her, or anyone else for that matter.

Anyway, we started with common ground – we talked about theatre and Miracle on 34th Street for a while, which was all good. Then we branched out into theater and the arts, things we are passionate about, education, what we want to do with our lives, what we could do if nothing was holding us back, that sort of stuff. Books. She is a reader, I wish I was a reader. I have to remember Game of Thrones, maybe that’s something I should start reading. She said it was really good. And she likes to write. I like to write, I just never have the patience to see it through. We got fairly deep…I think we got beyond small talk a few times, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I like deep conversations that shed some light on what people are passionate about, so that was a good thing.

Considering the fact that it has only been three weeks since the ball started rolling on this – when her friend put two and two together and messaged me on Facebook – I should be feeling better about everything. But the last three weeks have gone by so slowly! I know I have to be patient. Good things come to those who wait, right? And this date wasn’t the first time we have talked…we have talked at the theatre, and at the friends’ house, and at the bars…we have been around each other a good number of times. And it sounds like that will continue. But at an uncomfortably close-to-the-surface level, I want more and I want it soon. I keep telling the Ex that I’m not ready for a relationship, but I feel like I’m rushing to get into one. I feel like girl #1 is one of a kind and that if I don’t hurry up and make my feelings known I’m going to miss out on an opportunity to be with her. And THAT scares the bejesus out of me, both the pressure and the fear of missing a good thing. I want to break the touch barrier…I feel like maybe she tried to do that when we hugged at the theatre, and we bumped into each other a few times at rehearsal, and I know we’re going to break the touch barrier at rehearsals soon because for God’s sake, we are going to kiss. Maybe that’s what I have to do…just be patient until it has to happen? I don’t know. I read yesterday that it’s often not so much a fear of the future but a fear of not having any control over the future that consumes people. I think that’s true right now. I don’t know what the future has in store for me and I don’t feel like I have any control over any of it. I can’t tell when to be proactive or just when to let things happen.

Maybe it would be helpful to write a list of things that are going to happen.

I know that this weekend, I am taking the Ex and kiddo to a skating competition out of town. I know that on Sunday, we have rehearsal from 1:30-4:30 p.m. and then kiddo and I will go to the friends’ house for The Walking Dead and I will see girl #1. And then on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday there will be rehearsals. Monday is the day of the kissing scene. I have yet to come to terms with that…it will either be the best day of rehearsals or the worst, depending on whether or not I can create some chemistry with girl #1. But that chemistry will only be possible if we’re not too damn nervous and I know I’ve done a bang up job of making everyone as nervous as possible.

But yeah, last night I went on a date with girl #1. What a dame 🙂


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