10/21/2013

Things have a funny way of working out. All the best laid plans can get scrapped overnight, then scrapped again, then switch back and forth a few times until your head is spinning and you’re totally disoriented. That’s what my life has been like lately. But at the same time, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I will explain why.

When I wrote back in September, we had just started rehearsing at the theater for the last show. As confusing as things were, I had a plan. I think the Ex and I had seen a marriage counselor, or we were about to, and things looked good on that end. I had moved out about a week earlier. I just had to decide whether or not to let the Ex move in with me, because she no longer wanted to be with the other guy.

Well, the situation has changed a great deal since then. We just wrapped up that show yesterday. It was a fantastic show. Kiddo and I had a great time. We were at the theatre two, three, sometimes four days a week rehearsing. I made so many good friends there. The guys I worked with were awesome. And I met a fantastic new friend, which I will discuss later on. The kids were fun too. The Ex has not moved back in. I have been brave and told her that I am not ready to move back in together, and she just moved this week to an apartment with the other guy. Not that she wants to be with him, but they couldn’t afford the house in my town even with the rent money I was giving them. So off they went. It’s an added challenge, but I am enjoying the distance. I can breathe.

Anyway, getting back to this new friend. Girl #1 was our director. I have thought highly of girl #1 since we acted together for the first time two years ago, but the Ex and I were still together back then and I don’t recall ever thinking about girl #1 in any way other than just being impressed at her talents as an actress. Well we got to spend some time together while rehearsing for the most recent show, nothing weird, just talking about characters and sets and theater stuff. And I guess it came on rather gradually, but shortly after my last entry I started to have feelings for her. Not in an inappropriate way, but I began to enjoy seeing her and listening to her. That little spark slowly became a raging fire. Several weeks ago I posted a question on Facebook about whether or not one should be patient in seeking out good things, or if one should go after opportunities. And this new friend, who is a friend of girl #1’s, called me out on it. She guessed that I was talking about girl #1. She said that my name had come up in conversation. My curiosity was piqued. And since that time, this friend has been slowly pulling girl #1 and I closer. First we hung out at a bar. Then we hung out at her house. All the while, I have felt more and more afraid. I am afraid of the feelings I am having. I am just over four months separated, I am a father, I live in a crappy apartment (although I’m moving into a nicer one this week). I don’t understand how my feelings could be reciprocal, but girl #1 has done things that indicate that perhaps she does have feelings for me as well. And then yesterday, my friend told me that she had “email confirmation” that girl #1 liked me. So she challenged me to ask her out for dinner. I am going to do it.

I am tired of being lonely. I’m not saying I want to move in together or even discuss anything beyond drinks and appetizers, but girl #1 fascinates me. There isn’t another person on this earth who makes me choke on my words and avert my eyes faster than she does. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to the separation and my general feelings of loneliness, and just wanted to be wanted by another human being, or if I have been preparing myself for this for a long time. The Ex and I did not have a good marriage for quite some time. We had our bright points, don’t get me wrong. But it certainly has not been good for a long time, and when she told me she loved the other guy and wanted to be with him, and when I moved out, I made an emotional disconnection from her. I want to be the Ex’s friend right now, that is all. And I want no part of the drama that is in her life…I am tired of trying to convince her to fulfill her potential. Girl #1 is trying. She is trying hard. She loves theatre, she has said things about the threatre that I agree with. Her vision for the theatre is fantastic. She is driven. She has hobbies. She is beautiful. She is funny. These are all traits in a woman that I have been looking for for so long. And it is frustrating to me that I am at this embarrassingly low point in my life as I am finding out who she is.

Add to that the complication of being a single father. I want kiddo to be happy. I want kiddo to be fulfilled, and I know how hard it will be with her mother not being around and unhappy. But damnit, she likes girl #1! I am afraid that girl #1 will not want to be with me because of my situation, which I would totally understand. But what if she does? What if she’s okay with it? I guess that will take some time to tell, and I don’t want to rush anything. Dinner does not equal a relationship. Things must fall naturally. Just asking her out is my next big challenge.

So tonight, after I *hopefully* get a call back to the next show, I’ll give her a call and see if she’d like to go out with me.

Makes me shake my head, seeing how things have played out. I never would have predicted any of this. It’s not like me. But at the same time, I wonder if it is like the person who I should be, the happy one who has an incredible daughter and someone special in his life who supports him and he supports back. It sounds amazing. Maybe someday it will be like that.

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