9/8/2013

I feel like a completely different person.

In June, kiddo went on a month-long trip with her grandmother across the United States. She saw a lot of really cool things and spent time in Idaho with her aunt and uncle. I think it was really good for her and she made some really good memories.

Back at home, my wife and I separated. She told me in late May or early June that she wanted to take a break, and I agreed. So on the day that kiddo left town, my wife packed a bag and moved out. She said she was going to stay with her grandma. She was going to think about things, and so was I.

Kiddo got back in the middle of July. We didn’t break it to her right away; instead, I just told her that mommy left for work early or was staying at work late. My wife spent a couple nights at home that month but it wasn’t long after that she told me about her and the other guy. Apparently they shared mutual feelings for each other and she felt happy with him. So I agreed. She moved in with him and kiddo lived with me.

August was a whirlwind month. I was working overtime at work, kiddo was getting ready to start school and had ice skating competitions to practice for, and my father-in-law was getting ready to move back to his old home town. My wife and the other guy decided that they wanted to move into the house together, so I told them I would move out. I began looking for an apartment. I found one and was accepted, only to be denied a few days later due to my low credit score. I was crushed. But I had promised them that I would move out, so I spent a week at my parents house as I searched for another apartment. I found one and was accepted quickly, so I moved in right away.

The day I moved in, or maybe just a day later, the Ex (that’s what I call her now) told me that she was losing her feelings for the other guy. Now today we spent several hours together, and she has expressed a desire to get back together. I am so confused. I just built up the courage to move out on my own and made it a priority to look out for myself and kiddo. Now she wants to move in with me? I am hesitant to say yes…I am afraid that I will be hurt again. That we will be miserable again. That no good will come of it. I owe it to myself and kiddo to be cautious, don’t I? The fact that she is pushing me to get back together says something about what it will be like if she does, right? When we talk face to face and she cries, it hurts me and I want her to be happy, I am so willing to say anything to make her feel better. But at what point does it become hurtful to me to keep saying yes? I need to figure that, and many other things, out.

I don’t know what I want. I want to be with somebody, a true friend, somebody who gets me and is compatible with me. But is that a good thing to want? I feel like the Ex and I could work, that we were supposed to work…what went wrong? Does her negativity toward church mean anything? Should we get back together? How much of this do I need her to decide, and how much must I decide? How much of this is asking her to change, and how much do I need to change? I really don’t know.

While I’m at it, I need to figure out what I’m doing. What I’m here for. What I’m supposed to do with my life. I felt like I had a plan, now I’m second guessing everything.

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