Today was the roughest day I’ve had in a while. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal except for the fact that it was the roughest day kiddo has had in a while too.

I got a text from the Ex this morning asking if she could see kiddo today. She keeps doing this thing where she asks to see kiddo and has me drive up to town to meet her halfway, and then she never knows what to so they fart around for an hour or two and then she wants to meet up again. So this morning I said sure, she could see kiddo, but she should come down to my house to get her.

She came down around noon and, as usual, was complaining about not knowing what to do with kiddo. She tried to lean on me a couple times, which I felt was uncalled for. She complained about the fact that nobody hit on her at the club she visited last night. She launched a few volleys on her way out the door…asking me to feed her dinner and some other bullshit like that.

I did my laundry, and while I was at the laundromat the Ex texted me and said that they were bored and had done everything there was to do. I said she could drop kiddo back off at the laundromat. She did. We ended up getting into a heated argument and she said that she wanted kiddo to live with her for a while, which I said was a knee jerk reaction and that if there was going to be a major life change it should be discussed and planned out properly. She disagreed and we parted ways in a huff.

I took kiddo home and Christina was there waiting for us…our little argument at the laundromat meant that I got home later than planned. We hung out, ate some lunch, and kiddo went to her friend’s house to play. Christina and I were relaxing when there was a knock on the door. It was the Ex. She said she was there to pick up kiddo’s things so she could go to live with her. I was blindsided. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that decision being made in haste. The Ex wouldn’t back down, started insulting me, starting bullying me. I held my ground. She went back to her car and apparently her roommate/boyfriend/whatever was in there, and he came storming out all fired up and yelling at me. So I had the two of them in my face. The Ex’s guy got close enough to me that our chests touched. He threatened me and the Ex had to pull him away. I told them they weren’t welcome in my home and that they needed to leave. I called kiddo and told her she needed to come home right away, because I didn’t want the Ex going over to her friend’s house and taking her. I tried to close my door but the Ex just stuck her foot in it. So I called the police.

A couple minutes before the police arrived, kiddo got home and before I could do anything she was in their car and they were driving away. It was horrible. Christina had come out when things got raucous and we were both flabbergasted. And then, thank God, I happened to look outside and the police arrived and they had caught the Ex as she was trying to leave. Four officers were there. It was great. They came down and talked to me…we told them what happened…they said that because there was no custody agreement, there was nothing they could do to stop the Ex from taking kiddo and I said that was okay, I just had been afraid that things were getting too heated and that I had been harassed. I told the officers that her mom could leave and I thought that was the end.

A minute later I hear kiddo’s voice outside the door. I open the door and an officer is standing there with her, and kiddo is crying and she says that she wanted to hug me goodbye. I let her in, apologized to her for things getting to crazy…she said she didn’t want to go, that she just wanted to go to her friend’s house. I said it was okay. I asked her if she was sure that she didn’t want to go with her mom and she said she was sure. I went back outside and talked to the Ex and her guy, and I told them that kiddo didn’t want to go. They were pissed. The Ex moved toward me and an officer held her back and warned her not to come toward me. It was ludicrous. I was embarrassed to be involved in such a situation. I told them that kiddo didn’t want to go and that she wanted her visits with her mother to be scheduled ahead of time, and then I just walked away.

The officers were finally able to leave and poor kiddo sat with Christina and I and we all tried to calm down. It was horrible. The Ex has been texting me since then, acting all apologetic but I don’t trust her anymore. She did something too ridiculous to forget. Tomorrow I am doing what I should have done a long time ago and getting the divorce paperwork and custody paperwork in order, it can’t go on like this anymore. I’m not sure that 50/50 is even a good idea at this point. Her mom is just too unsteady. She reacts too severely. She’s just not with it. It makes me sad.

I feel terrible that everyone had to go through that. Kiddo shouldn’t feel torn, but I guess this is how it always turns out. Christina shouldn’t have to be involved in all of that…the Ex called her a bitch in front of kiddo, how inappropriate is that? Christina has done nothing wrong. And yet Christina still wants to be with me. She is a special girl. I think I love her.


Starting the year out with a post. Why not.

Last night kiddo and I went with Christina to her parents’ house. It was a lot of fun. Kiddo relaxed in their hot tub, we ate a delicious dinner, and Christina and I celebrated the new year with a kiss. I had a beer, a strawberry daiquiri, and some champagne.

Today, we’ve done nothing but sit around watching Supernatural. A nice relaxing start to the year. We don’t have to go back to school/work until January 5th so we have a few more days to get things done and have a good time before the break is over.


Merry Christmas everybody!

Christina and I are officially a thing. Our first date was on 10/25 she says, I’ll have to look back at old posts to confirm that, but we hit two months yesterday and it’s up on Facebook. I’m slowly starting to tell family and friends…I want them to know, but I don’t want their judgment. After all, I am still married. I’m afraid that some of my folks won’t be approving of my relationship but I need to get past that. Go toward the fear, as my counselor would say.

Christina, kiddo, and I went to the Ex’s house yesterday. We had out own little gift exchange on Christmas Eve so yesterday was the Ex’s side of the family. It was a bit awkward at first. But Christina and my Ex helped to wrap one of kiddo’s big gifts and they seemed to get along just fine. Time will help that, I hope.

I think kiddo’s Christmas was a good one :-) Mine was too.


It was the Ex’s birthday today. For days, she’s been asking me what she should do to celebrate. My answer has been, repeatedly, “do whatever you want to do! It’s your birthday!”

So finally, this morning, she decided she wanted to get dinner. With kiddo, but also with me.

Okay, whatever. I know trouble when I hear it, and this was going to be trouble.

But we went anyway.

And the whole flipping time she was rude, dramatic, nosy, snarky, and just downright unpleasant.

Of course, she wanted details about Christina. She wanted to know all about her. And she wanted kiddo to spill as many beans as possible. It was awkward for everybody. She was asking her questions like, “how does it feel, that your daddy is dating somebody” and all kinds of other loaded questions. And she had the audacity to say that she was going to wait to date until the divorce papers were signed.

Like that mattered when she moved in with the other guy. The guy she is still living with.

Give me a fucking break. As if she’s taking the high road in all of this.

Delusional. Abso-fucking-lutely delusional.

I just kept my mouth shut.


I’ve been focusing on shame, vulnerability, and authenticity lately.
I watched a TED Talk by Brene Brown (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en) in which she laid out her ideas about how shame and vulnerability are often seen as weakness, but in reality it is only when we accept them and embrace them that we make progress. All of her ideas reinforced my thoughts on authenticity – not being afraid to show the world who I am and express myself, my feelings, and my ideas. I followed that up by re-reading sections of Stephen Covey’s book The Third Alternative. Again, the idea that it requires vulnerability (seeing myself) and acceptance of others as human beings (seeing you) to get started on the path to synergy.
I have made some attempts at embracing my vulnerability and being more authentic. Throughout, it has been a challenge to overcome my shame – my fear of appearing weak or stupid – and speak my mind. I have done it at work and with my parents. At work, I finally spoke my mind and told the others in my technology leadership team that I really had no idea what I was doing there. I wasn’t sure what my role was, or what was expected of me. The worst-case scenario did not happen; in fact, quite the opposite. Two others stepped in behind me and made the same admission. Another had a bit of a light bulb moment and was surprised that I felt that way, and indicated that he thought we needed to fix that right away. I hope that my supervisor sees that as a sign of my leadership abilities; specifically, the ability to say what others are only thinking.
While I was at my parents’ house over the weekend, my dad brought up a story that someone had shared at church. It was one of those stories where somebody lost something, only to find it (or something like it) in a place where they never were. And, of course, they make a spiritual connection between losing it and finding it. I spoke up. Which was unusual for me, because I usually just nod and smile at those stories. But this time I spoke up and said that I hated to be a buzzkill, but maybe it was just a coincidence. That kicked off a conversation that lasted for several hours. I unloaded my feelings about church on them, and their feedback was more positive than I had anticipated. I explained to them why I don’t go to church anymore; how I felt that in the depth of my struggles, there was nobody who stepped up and said, “me too” when I needed it. And I questioned the authenticity of people who refuse to allow their struggles to see the light of day. I told them that I would be more comfortable in a room of people who were struggling and would struggle alongside me, being able to share their gains and losses, happiness and sadness. And I think, in some ways, they understood me. It was nice.
It felt good to be authentic. I felt like I was being honest with myself and honest with others when so often I find myself feeling disingenuous by hiding behind a facade of “everything is okay”.
At work, time will tell whether or not my authenticity is welcomed by the organization. Some organizations demand that people always toe the corporate line and keep the smile on their face. If that’s the case, I don’t want to be here very much longer. But, if they welcome my authenticity and I can flex my leadership muscles a bit more by speaking for those who are too afraid to speak up, then I may be able to do some good here.
And with my family, the next step will be telling them about Christina. I’d like to bring her to a family function soon. They may not agree with my choice to date while I’m still only separated, but if they care about me they will understand that I need that connection in my life.


People can be happy doing just about anything, so long as their actions and beliefs are in alignment.

Action performed and supported by a strong belief, even if that belief has no basis in rationality or fact, makes people feel good.

Actions that go against those core beliefs lead to guilt and sadness, even when those beliefs no longer make any sense. Especially when those beliefs were instilled by someone we respect or seek approval from, like a parent.

So maybe the question I should be asking isn’t “what should I do with my life?” It’s “what do I believe?”

I believe in treating other people kindly, without needing anything in return.
I believe in being open-minded, listening, and trying to understand other perspectives.
I believe in having a long-term plan.
I believe in being honest.
I believe in that which I can observe and measure.
I believe in self-control and discipline.
I believe in moderation.
I believe in being humble.
I believe in respecting personal space.
I believe in being loyal and true.
I believe in being in 100%, or not at all.
I believe in being imperfect, and accepting imperfections in others.
I believe in authenticity.
I believe in forgiveness.
I believe in learning from mistakes.
I believe in walking a mile in other people’s shoes.
I believe in speaking with conviction.
I believe in leaving things better than I found them.
I believe in saying I’m sorry.
I believe in giving more than I take.
I believe in a firm handshake.
I believe in giving myself time to recharge.
I believe in efficiency.
I believe in trust being like a bank account, you have to make more deposits than withdrawals.

If I think of anything else I’ll add it to the list.